Sanctuary

A pastors wife once told me, "fat looks better with a tan on it." That's what plays over and over in my head. I'm beginning to understand why Quasimodo would cry "sanctuary!" from the bell tower as the giant cathedral bells would ring and drown out all other noise from his mind. As I sit tonight on my dad's front porch I find sanctuary in the giant wind chimes gonging in the breeze. They help to stifle the repetitious phrases in my head. Fat looks better with a tan on it. Do insane people know they are insane? Maybe sometimes. There are those brief moments of lucidity when they know things aren't as they should be. Those moments are few and far between. And what to do with that time? There's so much to think about in such a short span of time. In the beginning, you cry out to God for help. Help me stay here in this moment for just a while longer. Eventually you just use that time to untie the knots. Because it is in those short snippets of time that your jaw is slack and you're not grinding your teeth. It's in that time that you relax your hands and your fingernails are not digging into your palms. You can breath, even if it's just for a minute or two. Eventually you may begin to wonder if you should take the advice of Job's wife and friends: curse God and die. Fat looks better with a tan on it. Why do depressed people drink alcohol? It's a depressant....hello? Wouldn't caffeine or speed be a more logical choice? Sanctuary! I wanted to name one of my kids Quasimodo. But I decided I didn't want him to fall in love with a gypsy. Do they have tanning salons in Scotland? I know they have fat people. Then you start to hurt yourself but after a while you forget why. Was I punishing myself for something? Was I doing it so I could feel? Maybe the pain helps to keep one foot in this world. God knows you don't want to get stuck over in the other side. I don't remember why fat looks better with a tan on it. If I ever get to Scotland I'll ask. White noise is bad. It doesn't really drown out the bad people. Have you ever read a book by some obnoxious author and you think, 'if I ever meet this guy, I'm gonna rub jalapeños in his eyes.'? Then you download their podcast and realize people with lisps shouldn't be preachers. But at least they have a good tan. Must be from Scotland. Good night, Quasimodo.